In such a place

I am not in love with God the way I want to be. I am on the brink of falling deeply in love with him, I can feel it, but I know I am not there.

It is so hard breaking the mindset that I have grown up with, about God and christianity. The mindset of rules: right-standing with God through a lack of sin.

I am so ready for this intense realization of Jesus Christ in my personal life, the realization of how he views me and what he did and does for me every single day. I feel like I've got this veil over my face, a screen that gives me a blurred vision of him and his plan/love for me and I cannot seem to lift it and view him for all that he is. I don't want to know what other people think of him, I don't want to fall in love with him because of what he has done in other people's lives, I want to experience this extreme revelation of who and what he is personally for myself.

I know what you've done for others, I just need some help seeing what you do for me. I want to love you the way I was made to.


I was reading the story of Blind Bartimeaus


Mark 10

46Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the Son of Timaeus), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"
48Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

49Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." 50Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.

51"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see."

52"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.



This story stuck with me, I had to read it multiple times. I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me about it.

I am in a state of Bartimeaus:


I am a blind man, I haven't seen what the Lord has and can do for me with my own eyes, I have only heard of what he has done for others. I don't feel it personally, like I want. When I hear of Jesus, and what he can do in my life, I start asking to see it, desiring an intimate life and experience with him. Once I call on him, my mind, and other areas of my life rebuke me, telling me to be silent, that Christ wont answer my plea. I think where I am having trouble is "crying out even more loudly" over the rebukes of my mind and this world.

I want more of him. I don't want to preach something that I feel so unsatisfied in my own life. I am not ready to be used as his tool yet. But I want to be ready.

I want to love you so that I can show people who you really are.