The List

I’ve decided that David Letterman is genuinely a funny person. Whether his writers are on point or not, his witty sarcasm, timing, and self-awareness transcends the screen and makes you feel like you have known him for years. With that being said, I have decided to copy something that he is somewhat famous for: “The Top Ten List”, and try and apply it to my own life and experience. No, I do not expect you as the reader to feel like you have known me for years or that I am a funny person. Frankly, I just decided to make a list of something because I never make lists.


Michael Rowley’s Top Ten List of Things That Are, According To His Perception, One Hundred Percent Worthless:


10. Television Shows Based Solely On Little People (Midgets/Dwarves) Simply Living and Working.
I watched an episode of “The Little Couple” only to find that the climax of the episode was watching the wife get her hair cut like Meg Ryan. Don’t get me started on “Little People Big World” or “The Little Chocolatiers”.

9. “Everybody Loves Raymond”
No we don’t.

8. The Daily Movement Of The “No Left Turn” Sign At The Intersections Of 15th And Lewis And 15th And Peoria.
These signs at both intersections are known to rotate around the intersection daily, providing all those who frequent these stoplights to be surprised/pulled-over by the undercover cop who probably did the whole switcheroo. Don’t worry, he will let you go with a warning when he sees that you attend ORU because he “goes to church there too!”

7. Facebook Statuses Containing Personal Religious: Encouragements, Arguments, Proclamations, Prayers Or Updates.
God doesn’t have a Facebook, He has a Myspace. You aren’t winning any treasure-in-heaven-points for your cyber-holiness (at least not on Facebook).

6. The Bar Under The Table That I Just Hit My Knee Against.
It hurt bad enough to make it on the list.

5. 3.2% Beer.
C’mon Oklahoma, I feel as though we are all backwoods enough to enjoy something that doesn’t taste like hops flavored water.

4. Oral Roberts University’s Mandatory Hall Meetings For Those That Are Forced to Live On Campus.
Forcing someone to live on campus unless they are: married, under 25 years of age, a part-time student, or living with a family member is very inconvenient, but worthless only to those whom this rule is forced upon. However, the weekly 10 minute meetings that I was forced to attend, which provided no knowledge of worth, was indeed worthless.

3. Potholes.
Tulsa is about to hit the all-time record.

2. Mayonnaise.
“Hey let’s put this indefinable curdled semi-solid on everything and eat it!”

1. Any Anger Or Argument That Is An Attempt To Negate The Relevancy Of Some Of The Topics On This List.
Notice the title of the list. Got you with the post-modern precursor.